Life Lessons: When it Hurts

Lately, a lot has been on my mind. I took a break because I was tired of the political post. And the fighting and all that other stuff. And I was looking at the words people were saying and thinking about things going on in my own life. And there’s pain everywhere. I keep asking myself why do we hurt? Heartbreak, loneliness, loss, and just because we’re angry. Anger if you ask me is just at times placing the hurt on someone else. Because you want to hide your feelings.

I used to do that all the time. When I was hurting I’d bottle it up. Bury it. I didn’t want anyone to see how vulnerable I was. How much I was suffering. I remember the first real heart break I had. It was painful. Did you know that emotional pain like that actually becomes physical? You can take pain killers to help. However, I don’t suggest that. You see. People sometimes look at life and think I don’t ever want to be hurt. Saying things like ” I don’t want to be with them because they’re going to hurt me.” or “I keep myself closed out because someone may hurt me.” or one the more interesting ones they act in such a fashion they push people away. Because they don’t want that pain. Continue reading

You’re a Nice Guy But….

I am so tired of all the political posts today. This week. This year. I think I’m done. So I figured I’d write about something a little more personal to myself. And that’s about me as a person. If you’re married, engaged, or dating. Or have dated in general things tend to come. And they really make you think. Sometimes it makes sense other times it doesn’t. And when things don’t make sense it really is okay. But often time some of seek out information and answers.

For me, what bothers me most and I struggle most with is something that comes up frequently. Which is I am too nice. That I am a nice guy to the point it damages me as a person and value to women. That because I am nice. I am stable. I am the safe bet and no one wants that. And the advice I get is often to be honest disheartening to me because I know I am hard coded this way. I am legitimately just nice. Often times it is things like, “you need to be more confident” or “you can just leave it all out there” or probably my favourite. “You need to be a bit of an ass.” None of which makes any sense to me. So like any person when present with a problem I decided to try and look into it. And what I found just made things even murkier for me.

I literally read a ton of articles from varying sources to try and figure this out. One I read was by Doctor Nerdlove (aka Harris O’Malley) a blogger that caters to a variety of needs when it comes to men dating. In his article titled Being A Nice Guy isn’t Good Enough he talks about this very dilemma I thought existed. One key thing that stuck out to me was when talks about what was wrong with being nice saying:

And that’s where the problem with being nice comes in. The issue isn’t that being nice is a bad thing. The issue is that when someone’s primary description is that they’re “nice”, that’s usually all there is to them. They reach the heady heights of being as blandly inoffensive as a show on CBS. They’re pleasant enough, but they’re otherwise as arousing as unfinished dough. There’s just nothing there to stir somebody’s loins or imagination. Assholes, at least, are polarizing. They’re unpleasant to be around, but they provoke emotions that go past “huh, ok.”

What. Wait a minute. So if you’re nice the problem is that’s all we have? I mean is it just me or is that a bit harsh? Well not quite because he goes on further to say nice guys also lack the oomph some sort of swagger type thing. Because “You start by questioning yourself. One of the reasons nice guys are just nice guys is because they rarely reach beyond who they are right now.”….I am completely lost now. So the problem is that when you become nice you end at that. You can’t be anything more. For what it is worth, it is an interesting read. But to me it is off putting. As it plays into two big things that I often hear. And I feel like it is perpetuating some hidden belief or ideology that really has no place in modern society or in the heads of men and women.

So then I did some more reading and found this article by Gigi Engle with Elite Daily (not something I normally read, and often times. I find myself cringing when it comes up) about nice guys. And the title really says it all it was called 5 Scientific Reasons Why Women Just Won’t Go For The Nice Guys. I mean I hand it to her doing her research. But I still don’t like the feel, the ideology or even what is being said. This sticks out to me the most.

No woman wants to be with a man who doesn’t know how to assert himself. Whether we want to admit it or not, we want excitement in our relationships. We want a powerful, aggressive man.

This can be a difficult thing to admit as a strong, independent female, but it is, nonetheless, true.

And there it is again the gross generalisation of being nice. More importantly being a nice guy. I mean I see it and I get it. There is this idea that being a nice guy is bad. That we’re boring we lack oomph or don’t have swagger. The more reading I did the more I found things like this. But I don’t think that is the point and that’s not what I you to think. I want to flat out say they are wrong.

So yes some people are truly boring, lack confidence, lack excitement. That is normal whether they are unpleasant or if they are nice. As a nice guy we are all different and have different qualities. For me the idea that we are all the same is like saying all cars slow because they have only driven a Prius. When we all know Lamborghini makes some fast cars. And I think that’s the root of the problem. The generalisation of nice guys. Assume that all these guys who put their heart on their sleeves or a genuinely interested in listening to you are nothing more than devoid of anything else but their niceness.

I once went out on a date with a young woman. We went out on a few after that. And randomly, I get this text. And what it read was “You’re really a nice guy but….” And the rest just was comments on her realisation she’s scared of commitment. But being a nice guy, I told her that’s okay. She needs to focus on her needs and what she wants. If she wants to continue she could reach out to me but I don’t want to pressure her into something she did not want or wasn’t ready for. Well, when it was discussed with others the very first word out of their mouth was “you’re too nice.” My thinking is. So what? So what I think we need to put others first. When you’re dating you are selling yourself. You telling another person this is what you’re getting with me. This is who I am. And when I look at it I see, it as I cannot change the fact that I am sweet. I go out of my way. I just want the other person to know. That when we’re together I want to make them feel good. Because they make me feel good.

And the best part is we have this “swagger” that people say we lack. We have deep and rich personalities. We have confidence too. I believe that if someone doesn’t want to be with you that’s okay. But I know I am a great guy. And what you’re getting with me is a lot of good things. But at the end of the day that’s not my choice if she stays. So I am okay with that. This idea that nice guys being labelled and it becoming a death sentence for dating is wrong. And that’s what I am trying to say. That right there is the problem. My point is to the women out there it is okay to date a nice guy and realise he’s not okay for you. We still have personalities and if it doesn’t match that’s normal. For my fellow nice guys it is okay to be you. You are unique and no label will tell you otherwise. You have to embrace it and find someone who values you… for you. That is what this all boils down to. If someone values you as a person nice guy and all you’re okay. It is all about wants and finding the person that matches that for you.

Crazy thing is. As I was writing this, I was going to be shouting out to others in my situation. But this is what I would want to hear. I think there’s nothing wrong with how we are wired. There is nothing wrong with what I do or what I present in a relationship. It all comes back to finding that fit for you. Being rejected because what you are does suck but that’s okay. Because at some point you’ll find what you want and what works. And if you don’t think what I’m saying is true. Read what Amanda Martinez had to say yeah sure she plays into stereo types. But she highlights what good you can find in guys like us. And honestly there’s nothing wrong. It is finding out what works out.

Because when there is nothing left. Just two people together then only thing matters is what they want out of that relationship.