I haven’t done my year-end recap. And I’ve been hesitant about it. The question is why? And my answer was how much emotional baggage for 2017 I carried with me. A lot has happened. A lot has challenged me. And a lot has made me wonder about the future and my present tense. My best-friend broke my heart. Ending a relationship with me I thought was good. But that’s the thing about other people. You may never completely understand them. In 2017, I had some serious health implications that made me wonder what was the point to turning 30? I fought depression and anxiety and it was not always a winning fight. I struggled with my career and where I felt like I was going. I questioned my identity. And those are just a few of the things that 2017 threw at me.
But I know I’m not the only one. We’ve all struggled. And it is so easy to look at the worst of what 2017 has thrown at us. I remember going on many dates and feeling like it was all hopelessly meaningless. That my faith in humanity and maintaining a relationship was as hopeless as our government. I have seen the bottom of the well that is our last year. And I got close to wondering what was next. And questioning why we plugged on. Honestly, not to keep touching on it. But losing my best-friend. That relationship that meant so much to me over what I believe is one of the gut wrenching reasons isn’t easy. I mean, it wasn’t just an ending; it was a betrayal. Years and years of a relationship just flushed down a drain and one person left to pick up the pieces and make sense of it. You truly believe that someone understands you and knows who you are. And in the blink of an eye with one word they show you they’re wrong. They didn’t know you. That all those years were just some illusion where you poured everything into it. And the only question left was it real or not? Was any of it real. And last year, I worked a lot on proving that it was…. but honestly; it feels now as if being used and worn out. That all year long I sat there trying to make things work when there was no intention of it ever working.
And that could similar for a lot of things for last year. This whole idea of dating in your late twenties, for example. I have never known so many people to ghost you and just stop communicating in my entire life. And it is damaging to your ego. Or I think about all the cruelty I’ve witnessed too that others suffered. It paints a big mark on the entire year……
I hated 2017.
Well, at least that’s what I kept telling myself repeatedly. That this stupid year has done nothing for me. It has brought me such pain and sorrow that ….well. Made me hate turning 30. And hate everything about it. But a wise person whom she has always done everything to remind me of the best there is despite life getting messy and screwing with me said “Everything has a lesson and a purpose.” Or something along those lines. That even those relationships that leave us ravaged and broken inside they’re more than just wasted time or the betrayals we feel. That really hit me hard. As I was feeling so bitter about things. And I realised I had to let it go. I had to take another look at 2017 and see that maybe I was wrong. And focusing on the points that weren’t important and not seeing the lessons I learned. The progress I made.
She was right. This previous year I started on a journey to better myself and live my life and be happy. I have never blogged this much in my life (despite being on a three-month hiatus…) I started going to a gym and working out. My PR for my deadlifts is the highest it has ever been. I’m racing to hit 400lbs and I’m almost there at 345lbs. I made new friends and showed that even at my age you are always learning something new. That getting older isn’t something to be fear but embraced as we’re learning more and gaining experiences that help develop who we are. I’ve made strides to better my mental health, where I did not have to continue with medication anymore. It’s not a question of what drug do I get to go on next. It’s a question of how do my skills and support system help me cope and live a life that I want.
I learned relationships are never easy, and it was a painful lesson ended with me saying I won’t give up on them yet. We’re not meant to be solitary people. We crave people around us. And when they hurt us it is on us to assume responsibility when we know who we are. People like me are diplomats and we sacrifice to make things work. But I learned I don’t have to fix everything. I don’t control the world or what people do or think. I control myself and my reaction and how I want to proceed. It was such an odd lesson to learn this late in life, but it is the truth. The more we stop trying to fix everything; the clearer things are. We enable ourselves to have space and see what is really going on. And let me tell you, for anyone that suffers from anxiety this is a lesson we all need. It can be a brief reprise in a life that sometimes is overwhelming.
Now I could go on for days or hours about this ;however, I’ll be brief. I genuinely hated everything about 2017, I wanted 2018 to come so fast because I wanted to forget and move on. But I was wrong. We need to embrace the journey and the lessons we pick up along the way. They’re not always pleasant and they’re not always gentle. Life and its lessons hurts as much as it redeems us. And that’s the important point about it that there is duality for everything, where there is pain there is also hope. Where there tragedy, there is also hope. So I take that back I don’t hate 2017 I embrace it and the things that made me who I am right now writing this blog post. Am I scared about 2018? You bet I am. Am I excited? Without a question. I can’t pick what happens next, nor do I know what’ll come. But if I know one thing about it is, I’ll take everyday I’m given and I will make the most of it. Because at the end of it all it’s about our head-space. And that’s all each year is, where we’re at. And what we can do next.
So 2018, no matter what happened last year for you or for me. Don’t look at it and hate everything about it. Embrace it. The life lessons, the ideas, the stories, the experiences, its highs, and its lows. Because life is short. And the only way we grow is if we accept the past and keep pressing on.